The death of my cat
I guess this might help. My cat died in front of me this morning, and I am feeling like it is my fault. Is there something I could have done differently to save her? Did I cause her death because of how I let her live?
Since I will never know what exactly killed her, I will never know the answers for sure. I can go through what happened and what I was thinking at the time. Maybe through this I can try to convince myself that I am just a stupid person and not a bad person.
I woke up to the alarm this morning and my cat was curled up at the end of the bed, which is normal. She has been perfectly healthy. It takes me awhile to find the motivation to get up, so I toss and turn a bit and during this she usually decides to get up before me. I glanced at her a few times as I was waking up and she remained curled up, which is a bit unusual. Eventually she stood up but immediately crouched and vomited some food. This isn't so alarming as she does this occasionally. The vomiting got me to finally get out of bed and get some paper towels to clean up the vomit. When I returned she was done, but still crouching. I cleaned up the vomit and pet her a few times. She was uncomfortable with this and jumped off the bed and crouched by the door. I don't recall if I noticed her trouble breathing at this point, but since she was still crouching I figured she might need to throw up again or was needed some time to recover.
I took a shower, and when I got out she was still crouching. At this point I definitely noticed she was breathing fast, shallow breaths through her mouth. While getting dressed I called my vet to see if it would make sense to take her there or to an emergency clinic. The lady gave me the location and phone # of the Round Rock clinic. At some point, my cat started laying on its side. She was breathing the same way, but looking at her stomach it looked like she was having convulsions as well.
We were almost ready to go and I was debating whether to put her in a carrier or just throw her in the front seat. I didn't want to disturb her so much so I decided on the latter. I couldn't tell if she was breathing regularly anymore, but every so often she would get a big breath out so I figured she was, I guess. I noticed what looked like a stretching motion and took that as a sign that maybe she was starting to feel better. Around this time I crouched down in front of her and she was able to cry to me a few times like she was in pain or calling for help. I left her for a minute to find my keys, wallet, etc. When I returned it took me a minute or two to realize that she was really not breathing. I don't know how long it took me to think to try mouth-to-mouth. I tried that for a few minutes but there was no response.
My guess is that she suffocated. So what am I beating myself up over? Maybe I could have got her to the emergency clinic sooner if I had realized the seriousness sooner. If I knew where one was, I wouldn't have had to make a phone call and waste time there. If I didn't take a shower, I wouldn't have wasted time there. Shouldn't I have thought to open her mouth and see if I could see anything stuck in her throat if she was having trouble breathing/choking?
Maybe by the time she died or shortly after I realized something else that might have something to do with it. I've been letting her out into the backyard, which has six foot high wood fences that she cannot get over. I was just thinking last night as I watched her run around how happy she is when she's out there. Last night she sped inside with a determined trot that I've only seen a few times before. She only does that when she's caught a gecko and wants to play with it inside. She brought it in and dropped it off in the messy bedroom closet. I followed her to watch, but she had dropped and lost it already. I didn't spend a lot of time looking for it and figured I or she would find it eventually, dead or alive. So I went to bed later that night with it loose somewhere. I probably had forgotten about it by then.
I think I heard my cat playing around in the middle of the night, so perhaps it was running around and she found it again. If it was small enough, I wonder if she could have swallowed it last night and then choked while trying to regurgitate it this morning? Or if it could have done some damage to her insides as she tried to eat it?
I won't blame myself for letting her outside. She enjoyed that so much and it made me so happy watching her have fun. But I should have realized that the lizard would be a choking hazard, and made a better effort to find it once she brought it inside. And I should have realized what was going on sooner this morning which could have saved her life.
If I find the lizard in the bedroom I guess I will feel a little better. I mean, I guess she could have choked on food or ate something else bad. But I would still feel that I could have handled things better this morning.
Since I will never know what exactly killed her, I will never know the answers for sure. I can go through what happened and what I was thinking at the time. Maybe through this I can try to convince myself that I am just a stupid person and not a bad person.
I woke up to the alarm this morning and my cat was curled up at the end of the bed, which is normal. She has been perfectly healthy. It takes me awhile to find the motivation to get up, so I toss and turn a bit and during this she usually decides to get up before me. I glanced at her a few times as I was waking up and she remained curled up, which is a bit unusual. Eventually she stood up but immediately crouched and vomited some food. This isn't so alarming as she does this occasionally. The vomiting got me to finally get out of bed and get some paper towels to clean up the vomit. When I returned she was done, but still crouching. I cleaned up the vomit and pet her a few times. She was uncomfortable with this and jumped off the bed and crouched by the door. I don't recall if I noticed her trouble breathing at this point, but since she was still crouching I figured she might need to throw up again or was needed some time to recover.
I took a shower, and when I got out she was still crouching. At this point I definitely noticed she was breathing fast, shallow breaths through her mouth. While getting dressed I called my vet to see if it would make sense to take her there or to an emergency clinic. The lady gave me the location and phone # of the Round Rock clinic. At some point, my cat started laying on its side. She was breathing the same way, but looking at her stomach it looked like she was having convulsions as well.
We were almost ready to go and I was debating whether to put her in a carrier or just throw her in the front seat. I didn't want to disturb her so much so I decided on the latter. I couldn't tell if she was breathing regularly anymore, but every so often she would get a big breath out so I figured she was, I guess. I noticed what looked like a stretching motion and took that as a sign that maybe she was starting to feel better. Around this time I crouched down in front of her and she was able to cry to me a few times like she was in pain or calling for help. I left her for a minute to find my keys, wallet, etc. When I returned it took me a minute or two to realize that she was really not breathing. I don't know how long it took me to think to try mouth-to-mouth. I tried that for a few minutes but there was no response.
My guess is that she suffocated. So what am I beating myself up over? Maybe I could have got her to the emergency clinic sooner if I had realized the seriousness sooner. If I knew where one was, I wouldn't have had to make a phone call and waste time there. If I didn't take a shower, I wouldn't have wasted time there. Shouldn't I have thought to open her mouth and see if I could see anything stuck in her throat if she was having trouble breathing/choking?
Maybe by the time she died or shortly after I realized something else that might have something to do with it. I've been letting her out into the backyard, which has six foot high wood fences that she cannot get over. I was just thinking last night as I watched her run around how happy she is when she's out there. Last night she sped inside with a determined trot that I've only seen a few times before. She only does that when she's caught a gecko and wants to play with it inside. She brought it in and dropped it off in the messy bedroom closet. I followed her to watch, but she had dropped and lost it already. I didn't spend a lot of time looking for it and figured I or she would find it eventually, dead or alive. So I went to bed later that night with it loose somewhere. I probably had forgotten about it by then.
I think I heard my cat playing around in the middle of the night, so perhaps it was running around and she found it again. If it was small enough, I wonder if she could have swallowed it last night and then choked while trying to regurgitate it this morning? Or if it could have done some damage to her insides as she tried to eat it?
I won't blame myself for letting her outside. She enjoyed that so much and it made me so happy watching her have fun. But I should have realized that the lizard would be a choking hazard, and made a better effort to find it once she brought it inside. And I should have realized what was going on sooner this morning which could have saved her life.
If I find the lizard in the bedroom I guess I will feel a little better. I mean, I guess she could have choked on food or ate something else bad. But I would still feel that I could have handled things better this morning.
posted by PlaysByEar at 1:31 PM
1 Comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. I don't know how much my two cents will help, Jeff, but by the description of events you laid out, it seems like you did everything you possibly could - and in a more than timely fashion. I can't recall if you've had cats other than Sassy, Fudge, and Lucky, but even just out of the three of them, cats have vomit/breathing issues so frequently, and it's totally natural for us to watch them work themselves out. You noticed at the very first signs of distress that something was wrong, and were in the process of getting her the help she needed when things took a turn for the worse. And as for the way that you have parented her (letting her go outside, play with lizards, etc), you've given her all these simple pleasures that have filled her life so wonderfully, especially if she was the sort of cat that wasn't super cuddly. She had a really good life with you and I would imagine that she would thank you if she could. It's clear you loved her very much.
Post a Comment
<< Home